Sometimes all there is

We'll time when there ain't that much 'a time
We'll make love in the middle of the night

J.P called me today. She's the only one of my sisters that calls me really. But I'm ok with that, That's the way it always has been.
I told her I don't think I'll ever be able to live at home again.
The house is full of sadness and memories of the past few years that I'd rather forget.
The walls hold so many painful arguments and my room is still flooded with so many painful tears.
She said my mom was going to probably move out in the springtime.
C.P thinks they were talking about selling it.
It may be sad because it's the place I grew up.
But it has slowly become contaminated over time.
I'll live in C.P's condo or at C.W's for the three months of the summer.
I don't have a home anymore. When I'm here my home is here. When I'm there my home is there.
I'm ok with it. I'm accepting my life so slowly. The state of mind fades and comes back.
I've lost so many things. And I'm gaining new things back slowly.
We have to recover and nurse our wounds. Nurse ourselves so we know how to feel again.

So what happened to that boyfriend that was supposed to move out here with you?
Are you looking forward to seeing him when you get back?


Nausia again.

it must be hard to undress
when you're covered so much
you have so much on the surface
it must be hard to be real
sucking all the fake inwards
your hands are ice
your hands are ice

I've has 3 emotional breakdowns in the past month
i can feel the beginnings of panic attacks often
it feels like everything goes mute
and all I can hear is my own breathing.

M.S thinks I should go talk to someone
like therapy.
I don't want to have to explain everything again.
I've relived it so many times. Told too many people already

Thinking of going back in November makes a bomb go off in my chest.
How can I be strong when every moment slips away.
Too quickly for me to hold onto it.

you smoke so many cigarettes
and kiss my hips as if they've never existed
before now
your ribs are wild your ribs are wild
so darling don't shave
don't be clean and healthy
tell me you're so stoned
you're so stoned you know I never know
the ocean's beneath us
and i'd be drowning
under us is a bed
under us is the ocean
wild are your ribs
don't be clean. don't be clean. don't be so stoned.

 he grabbed my hand first.

 SF:  I mean if it's not weird to say you are impossibly beautiful, if you didn't already know.

<3

the way he smells doesn't make me want him
i don't get goosebumps when he touches my legs
i didn't want to stare at him while we laid together
he doesn't make me wanna open my eyes while we're kissing

but all i want is to do it again,

 awkward sex& i'm a slut

 

N.P lives in Halifax. He played his guitar for me today.
Remember the first time J.D played my song for me.

You're much too beautiful to be blue, A.P I'm nothing without you. I'm nothing without you.

everything's different now.

 I like Mary more and more everyday. She has epilepsy but I've never witnessed her have a seizure. She lost 40 pounds after going off sugar because of her seizures. She had a brain tumor when she was 20 and lost her sense of smell. I imagine she had some sort of surgery. She must be nearly 50 and she's never been married. She's quirky and fun & so is Carol. Our house is old and has mice. And I'm happy. I feel comfortable here.

some days it's hard to go to sleep
other days it's hard to wake up.

 who stands taller? the girl who got her heart ripped out? or the guy who smashed it?
i  would've been fine with just breaking up
but all the lies are what tore me down
don't start screwing someone new a month after we break up
then tell me "it's best if we don't talk"
and leave me to find out by pictures on facebook.
he's not the man i thought he was. he's not a man at all. not anymore.

some days it's harder to wake up than others.

 j.d has a new girlfriend
the one he took to no doubt with my ticket
the one who he hung out with before we even broke up
the one he has pictures making out with on facebook
so this is what it feels like.
bitch.
fucking coward.

This minute I'm okay. I'm looking forward to school. I'm looking forward to new people. The next is different. The next minute I am on the verge of tears. I'm in pieces. I'm thinking about all the friends I refused to say goodbye to. I'm thinking about how this isn't the way things were supposed to be. My parents only fought in my head. It wasn't out loud. J.D never existed. I made him up in my head. In my dreams. None of this ever happened. I'm not really here. I haven't been here yet. I'm still asleep. I'm still 17. Before any of this happened.

Being here hurts a lot. I haven't been able to gauge whether it hurts the same as in Edmonton. Well, actually I take that back, it hurts less. Only because its so goddamn far away that there's nothing I could do about anything even if I wanted to. My skin has become thicker still and I'm wondering how thick it has to become before nothing hurts anymore. Going downtown today was really hard and I want it just to be magically easier.

My mom seems happy. I wish she didn't have to go back. I wish I could save her. I used to think my mother was a rock who would never break down. I used to think a lot of things.

I know that J.D and I will not be together again. It seems impossible and I'm not dwelling on it any longer. He doesn't care about talking or me in general. He has a new interest which is hard to handle. I'm sure he can use her name to replace mine in my song. It used to be "I'm nothing without you" but he seems fine. I'll stop thinking about it one day. But right now I'm still so angry. Mostly because he stole me and I was so vulnerable. And then he destroyed me.

 
1. Planned to move to Halifax with my boyfriend & get a good job for the summer
2. Broke up with my boyfriend & didn't work till july instead
3. Layed in my bed and thought about killing myself
4. Learned my ex-boyfriend came to Edmonton and didn't want to come see me
5. Cried until I hyperventilated 
6. Deleted all forms of communication from any one of my friends/ hooked up with M.G numerous times
7. Worked at the Y and got promoted if I go back next summer.
8. Bought a Mac
9. Found out my parents are getting divorced
10. Packed and left for halifax

It's August.
I'm leaving.

Being with someone while your heart is still broken is bitter sweet.
You feel wanted when you're together.
You feel like you're ok again while he's touching you.
But when that crutch is gone. It's gone. And you feel worse than ever.
I've completely isolated myself from everyone and everything.
All I want is intimacy.
I'm desperate and unashamed of it.

Nobody I've been close with within the last year knows when I'm leaving.
And I don't want to tell them.
I don't want to admit that I'll miss anyone.
I haven't talked to anyone.
I haven't told anyone what I really think about.
How I have nothing to lose.
I'm a shell of what I used to be.

I started packing today.
Where am I going? Heaven or hell?

duh-ate
duh-ate
suh-ex
suh-ex

which is easier to understand?